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Why do baseball players have such great retirement plans?

They want to make sure their bases are covered.

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Puns

Why should you be worried about the calendar?

Its days are numbered.

Puns

How do you measure a millennial?

In Insta-grams.

Puns

Why did the computer run out of money?

Someone cleaned out its cache.

Animals

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?

A seahorse.

Professional

What day of the week takes nothing seriously?

Casual Friday.

Holiday

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

People

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You may think it's R, but it's really the C that they love.

Peter Pan?People

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

Professional

What has a lot more letters than the alphabet?

The post office.

Puns

Do you have the best ceiling?

No, but it's up there.

Outdoors

Why are playgrounds so good at dancing?

Because they got that swing!

Music

Why do hummingbirds hum instead of singing along to music?

Because they don't know the words yet.

Holiday

What was Cleopatra's favorite day of the year?

Mummy's Day.

Family

What do cubs eat when their mom is out of town?

Bluebeary Pop-Tarts.

Animals

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Rough Rough!

Holiday

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A subordinate claus.