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Why did the worker get fired from the calendar factory?

He took a day off.

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Professional

Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

"No change yet."

Outdoors

Why did the tilapia roll his eyes at the sea captain?

He was fishing for compliments.

Sports

What dish does only a baseball player use?

The home plate.

a long-haired man wearing a tie-dye t-shirt and sunglasses holds up a peace sign to the cameraPuns

Why did the hippie's microwave stop working?

He was trying to power it with flower power.

Puns

Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?

Because he kept running out of the pen.

Current Events

What do they say when a basketball player loses his mind?

He has a case of March Madness.

Puns

Why am I no longer addicted to the hokey pokey?

I turned myself around.

Food & Drinks

Where do burgers like to dance?

At the meatball.

Food & Drinks

What did the bread say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

I loaf you!

Puns

What game do cows play at parties?

Moosical chairs.

Animals

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?

A flat fish.

Outdoors

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.

Good, good thymes.

Education

Which subject has two parts?

Bi-ology.

Food & Drinks

Did you hear the crazy rumor about butter?

Well, I won't be the one to spread it!

Holiday

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A dependent Claus.

Sports

Why did someone ask the baseball player to punch them?

He was the designated hitter.