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Why did the piano get locked out of the opera?

It forgot to change keys.

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Professional

My boss instructed me to set up the company's 401k.

I told her I don't think anyone on the team can run that far.

Science

Why did the mathematician decline a beer at the party?

He didn't want to drink and derive.

Puns

Why is a fish easy to weigh?

Because it has its own scales.

Puns

Why did the pig go to the casino?

To play the slop machine.

Family

What branch of the military accepts newborns?

The infantry.

Animals

What dinosaur would win the track gold medal at the Olympics?

The Prontosaurus.

Family

What do you call an orchard full of relatives?

Family trees.

Holiday

How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?

Stacks.

People

Why did Adam and Eve get kicked out of the garden?

Because they didn't read the Apple terms and conditions.

Animals

Why did the man name his canines Rolex and Timex?

They were his watch dogs.

Food & Drinks

Why does the orange always lose in races?

It runs out of juice.

dentist appointment?Professional

What time is your dentist appointment?

Tooth hurt-y.

Vehicles

What car can you only see twice a year?

A Chevy Equinox.

Puns

Why did the lizard go on a diet?

It weighed too much for its scales.

Puns

Why is oxygen so wealthy?

Because it's an air-ess.

Puns

What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?

A groundhog.