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Which birds steal soap from the bath?

Robber ducks.

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a man holds his hand up to his ear and appears to be shocked while listeningPuns

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils... they dilate.

People

Did you hear about the vacuum cleaner that can cut your housework in half?

I bought two.

Food & Drinks

How does one gelatin greet another?

Jello!

Animals

What is the biggest ant in the world?

An elephant.

Animals

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?

The Codfather.

Puns

What did one bunny say about the other bunny's new updo?

I like your hare!

Puns

What did the rug say to the floor?

I've got you covered.

Puns

How does a single horse RSVP to a party?

They're going stag.

Travel

What are rental cars called in Spain?

Barceloaners.

Animals

How do you stop an angry elephant from charging?

Take away its credit cards.

The Toothpaste?Music

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

Professional

What did the NSA employee say when her friend tried to tell her a new joke?

Heard it.

a woman in a yellow jacket makes a grimace while she plugs her earsAnimals

What animal always gets on everyone's nerves?

A badger.

Animals

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A collie-flower.

Puns

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?

You can count on me.

Puns

Who has eight guns and terrorizes the ocean?

Billy the Squid.