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What do you call a cow with two legs?

Eileen.

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Puns

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.

Food & Drinks

What did the bread say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

I loaf you!

Animals

Why did the man name his canines Rolex and Timex?

They were his watch dogs.

Education

What flies around the kindergarten room at night?

An alpha-bat.

Holiday

What does one Valentine's Day card say to another that is physically fit?

You're from good cardstock.

Music

What do you call a dog that's blasting out music at the bottom of the ocean?

A subwoofer.

Family

Why are goats so funny?

They're always kidding around.

Animals

What type of dog loves to take showers?

Shampoodles.

Forest Gump?Entertainment

What was Forrest Gump's email password?

"1forrest1"

Puns

Why was the pirate late for work?

His ship had sailed.

Puns

Where do colds go on vacation?

Germ-any.

Science

What did the dad say when the boy asked him to explain the solar eclipse to him?

No sun.

Animals

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

So-fish-ticated.

People

What do you call an animal pop star?

Justin Beaver.

Animals

Why is the snail the strongest animal?

Because he carries a house on his back.

Professional

The museum curator needed a break.

So she took her van to gogh out of here!