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What car can't keep a secret?

A Kia Telluride.

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Education

Where do you go when you need an excuse to get out of something?

A lie-brary.

Entertainment

What did the teacher say when the Demogorgon showed up in their classroom?

Stranger things have happened.

Animals

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?

An octopuss.

Puns

What did the clean dog say to the insect?

Long time, no flea.

Animals

Why did the tadpole feel lonely?

Because he was newt to the area.

Puns

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Puns

Why did the tennis shoe walk away quietly?

It was a sneaker.

Animals

What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay?

A deviled egg.

Holiday

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

He wanted to sleep like a log.

Puns

Where do hamsters come from?

Hamsterdam!

People

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to Instruction Manuals.

greatest daughter?Family

What's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?

Daughter: "Mom, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?" Mom: "I don't know ask your grandmother."

Puns

Why were the atoms always hungry?

Their food is microscopic!

Animals

What bird helps you stay dry?

A t-owl.

Science

What do you call a peanut in space?

An astronut.

Puns

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette.