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My friend told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down!

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Music

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar but you can't tunafish.

Food & Drinks

Why couldn't the pepper go to archery practice?

It didn't habanero.

Holiday

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts.

Political

Which bureau of the US government has the best breath?

The Mint.

Puns

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?

Because she was afraid someone would caesar.

Puns

Why was the pirate late for work?

His ship had sailed.

People

Why can't bikes stand up on their own?

They're just two-tired.

Travel

What are rental cars called in Spain?

Barceloaners.

Puns

What's a shoemaker's favorite dessert?

Cobbler.

Puns

When Sunday and Monday get into a fight, who typically wins?

Sunday, because Monday is a week-day.

Melon married?Food & Drinks

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

Holiday

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

Holiday

What Easter candy has tons of friends?

Peeps!

Animals

What do you call a parrot making fun of you?

A mockingbird.

Animals

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, houses can't jump.

Puns

What part of your eye learns the quickest?

The pupil.