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How does a squid go into battle?

Well-armed.

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Puns

What's another name for your iPhone charger?

Apple juice.

Puns

When Sunday and Monday get into a fight, who typically wins?

Sunday, because Monday is a week-day.

Balanced Checked?Puns

She Needed Her Balance Checked!

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over!

Food & Drinks

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon-aid!

Animals

What happens when a frog's car dies?

He has it toad.

Animals

What is a French cat's favorite pudding?

Chocolate mousse.

Science

What do you call a peanut in space?

An astronut.

Puns

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?

Pooched eggs.

Animals

What is the definition of Robin?

A bird who steals.

Animals

What dinosaur would win the track gold medal at the Olympics?

The Prontosaurus.

Puns

What insect runs away from everything?

A flee.

Vehicles

Why are Olympians so picky about their vehicles?

They'll only drive a sports car.

People

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to Instruction Manuals.

Puns

Why were the flies playing football in a saucer?

They were playing for the cup.

Outdoors

Where do termites go camping?

A tented house.

Current Events

Why was the spring storm in a great mood?

It was on cloud nine!