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How do you spot a modern spider?

He has a website.

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Puns

Why was the pirate late for work?

His ship had sailed.

Sports

Why did the goal post get angry?

Because the bar was rattled!

Music

What's a balloon's least favorite type of music?

Pop.

Animals

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little antibodies.

Holiday

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

He wanted to sleep like a log.

Animals

Why did the man name his canines Rolex and Timex?

They were his watch dogs.

Professional

Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

"No change yet."

Animals

Why didn't the dog want to play football?

It was a boxer.

Animals

Why did the doctor let his dog help with his patients?

Because he had a lab coat.

People

Why can't the lifeguards save the hippies?

Because they're too far out.

Entertainment

What did the teacher say when the Demogorgon showed up in their classroom?

Stranger things have happened.

Animals

Why couldn't the leopard hide?

He was always spotted.

Animals

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?

Terrier-fied.

Food & Drinks

What kind of water do fireworks like?

Sparkling.

Animals

How do you spot a modern spider?

He has a website.

Entertainment

What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate his ice cream too fast?

Quit goblin your dessert.