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How do you care for a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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The Umpire?Sports

What's the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire?

One steals watches and one watches steals.

Food & Drinks

What kind of friends should you take to dinner?

Your taste buds.

three people wearing business casual clothes are also wearing red masks and capes, posing like superheroesPuns

Where do superheroes blend right in?

Cape Canaveral.

Food & Drinks

Why are pigs so good at building houses?

They bring plenty of ham-mers.

Animals

Who does an octopus see when it's not feeling well?

Doc Ock.

Puns

How do mice celebrate when they move home?

Mouse warming party.

Animals

Where do ants go to eat?

At a restaurant.

People

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missiletoe.

Holiday

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Political

Which former US President was always cold?

Calvin Coolidge.

Puns

What is a duck's favorite dance?

The quackstep.

Puns

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?

The Masked-quito.

Puns

How are you liking that anti-gravity book?

It's impossible to put down!

People

How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words.

Food & Drinks

Why did the woman get mad at her husband when she asked him to pick up six cans of Sprite?

He picked 7 up instead.

Puns

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette.