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How do you care for a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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The Umpire?Sports

What's the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire?

One steals watches and one watches steals.

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Food & Drinks

What kind of friends should you take to dinner?

Your taste buds.

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three people wearing business casual clothes are also wearing red masks and capes, posing like superheroesPuns

Where do superheroes blend right in?

Cape Canaveral.

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Food & Drinks

Why are pigs so good at building houses?

They bring plenty of ham-mers.

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Animals

Who does an octopus see when it's not feeling well?

Doc Ock.

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Puns

How do mice celebrate when they move home?

Mouse warming party.

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Animals

Where do ants go to eat?

At a restaurant.

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People

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missiletoe.

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Holiday

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

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Political

Which former US President was always cold?

Calvin Coolidge.

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Puns

What is a duck's favorite dance?

The quackstep.

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Puns

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?

The Masked-quito.

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Puns

How are you liking that anti-gravity book?

It's impossible to put down!

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People

How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words.

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Food & Drinks

Why did the woman get mad at her husband when she asked him to pick up six cans of Sprite?

He picked 7 up instead.

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Puns

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette.

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