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What's the difference between a politician and a snail?

One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

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Puns

What do clouds do as soon as they make money?

Make it rain.

Animals

What do you call a dog that meditates?

Aware wolf.

Animals

What do you call a golden retriever at the beach in July?

A hot dog.

Professional

You know there's no official training for trash collectors?

They just pick things up as they go along.

People

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Retired.

Family

Why are goats so funny?

They're always kidding around.

Puns

What do you call someone who sees a robbery at an Apple Store?

The iWitness.

Puns

Why did the lizard go on a diet?

It weighed too much for its scales.

Education

What's the astronauts favorite part of a computer?

The space bar.

Puns

What do mice do when they're at home?

Mousework.

Vehicles

Why would a frog wait for the bus?

Because his car got toad.

Holiday

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Outdoors

Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?

You shouldn't press your luck.

Entertainment

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

Animals

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?

A guard dog.

Puns

Which state is the cleanest?

Washing-ton.