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What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Ribbon hood.

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Puns

I used to be addicted to not showering.

Luckily, I've been clean for five years.

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Current Events

What's a storm cloud's favorite Garth Brooks song?

When the Thunder Rolls.

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Professional

Why did the person let a fish perform surgery on them?

He's a great sturgeon.

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Food & Drinks

What did the French chef say when he made a mistake?

Oh crepe!

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a close-up of a bottle of aspirin spilled on a red surfacePuns

Why did the window need an aspirin?

To relieve a glass pane.

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Science

Why did the aerospace engineer have a hard time passing English?

Because it's not rocket science.

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Puns

What sound does a witch's car make?

Broom broom!

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Animals

Why do spiders always know the answer to everything?

They're very good at finding things on the web.

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Puns

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?

We have to stick together.

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Holiday

What's always playing in Santa's workshop?

Wrap music.

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Holiday

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

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Puns

Why did the computer run out of money?

Someone cleaned out its cache.

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Puns

How did the mermaid call her friends?

On her shell phone, of course.

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Holiday

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

He wanted to sleep like a log.

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Outdoors

Why did the lawn mower get kicked off the team?

He couldn't make the cut.

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Astronaut's baby?Science

How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?

You rocket.

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